The World According to Jack Bauer

Ok a little more TV stuff. 24 (a.k.a. the Jack Bauer Power Hour) has returned in fine form this weekend. I stumbled upon this funny list called “The World According to Jack Bauer” and had to share some of these.

  • If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  • Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  • If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  • Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  • Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…
  • If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
  • 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  • Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  • Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
  • Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
  • David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
  • If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.
  • Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
  • Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  • Jack Bauer shouldn’t be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
  • When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

You can see the original list in its here, thanks to Michael Sean.

Update: Here’s another 24 spoof I made featuring Conan.

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