Ok a little more TV stuff. 24 (a.k.a. the Jack Bauer Power Hour) has returned in fine form this weekend. I stumbled upon this funny list called “The World According to Jack Bauer” and had to share some of these.
- If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
- Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…
- If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
- Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
- David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
- If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.
- Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
- Jack Bauer shouldn’t be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
Update: Here’s another 24 spoof I made featuring Conan.